Chicago, USA.

The printing presses are running 24/7 printing out Valentine's Day cards in time for the annual Hallmark holiday.

There are so many ways to say "I love you". Unfortunately, most of these have to be sanctioned by the greeting card giants before they are brought into the cultural lexicon.

It's not as easy as it sounds to tell someone that you appreciate them.

You can buy her a meal. The underlying psychological take-away being that you care about her enough to feed her.

You can have her sleep in your arms. Subtley building close-ness by her knowing that you will not snap her neck or sell her into prostitution as she is helplessly at sleep.

You can take her on a trip. A complex gesture that shows that you are such a provider that you are able to take her away from her boring surroundings, make her fly, shower her with alcohol, have her show her tits for beads, and safely return her without harm.

You can buy her chocolates. This let's her know that she is too skinny and should clearly put on some weight in order to become an excellent child bearer.

You can give her flowers. There's nothing like murdering mother earth so that your honey will have something to put in her pottery-barn jar.

You can take her dancing. All girls like to be reminded of their loose dancehall days. How happy she will be to have been reminded of that drunken make-out session she had with that balding guy in the corner who's flossing.

You can pay off her credit cards. But why the hell would you do that?

It's always hard to be unique. It's hard to make the maximum impact.

I was thinking about taking my baby to a whole bunch of "sad" places so that she'd be so happy with what we've got.

Orphanages. Hospitals. Coal mines. Swingers clubs. Slaughterhouses. Free clinics. Michigan. Leper colonies.

I didn't think she'd get it.